This blog covers how I navigated the dating world at 39 years of age, with two young kids in tow. It also goes into detail about the steps that I undertook to open my heart (after huge heart ache) to attract the right person for me. Conscious coupling or modern world dating from an aligned and conscious perspective? Who knows, but let's start from the beginning.
The decision to start internet dating was not made lightly. I was hesitant, after all, I never envisaged that I would have to rely on internet dating to meet anyone. Dating in my 20’s was so much easier. It was organic. Fast forward to my 40’s and the notion of meeting someone changed very rapidly as I was at home with two young kids, single parenting and was most definitely trying to keep not only my head but myself above water.
As such, I decided to take the plunge. Anyone that knows me, knows I absolutely suck at technology. I wasn't well versed in what different apps there were, nor their functionality. I was very much a virgin in this respect.
People criticised.... because I realised, people love to have an opinion and they love to project that onto you. Don't allow them to. It's as easy as that. If you are ready, make a conscious choice to get back out into the dating world and to meet people!
Before Internet Dating:
Prior to navigating a profile on bumble… I did an immense amount of work on myself that my family and friends were not privy to. I mourned, I grieved, I experienced the loss of a 15 year relationship, and regardless of the circumstances of my split, there was an immense loss associated with the life that we had, the relationship, the impact for me as an individual, for my kids and us as a family unit. I also mourned my future, the future that I had planned. No one talks about this… but it was deep. After I sat in bed and cried bucket loads for weeks on end and I let go of all the grief, I then focussed on healing and restoring.
To be honest, I spent months and months on reconnecting with myself, discovering who I was as a 39 year old individual. There was a lot of shedding as I let go of my identity as a wife with my ex, which also included a loss of identity (as a family unit and me as a partner within that capacity), the loss of a family home and also, the different losses that my kids were exposed to. I saw so many different practitioners who helped to guide me through emotions, to release emotions so they did not manifest into trauma. I also worked on healing old aspects of myself that I had taken into my marriage and which impacted it considerably, after all, I wasn’t versed to what I know today and how wounds and traumas can be so easily projected into your everyday relationships. As such, I was conscious about not projecting these wounds onto a new relationship. I worked hard on getting to know who I was as a female in my 40’s. I discovered so many aspects of who I am today. I focussed on developing a true love affair with me, so I could discover what was important to me in this day and age. I knew I needed to articulate this to myself so I could in turn articulate this to any man I met. I also ensured that I truly loved myself and wasn’t reliant upon a man to rescue me. Similarly, I also did not want to rescue or mother a wounded man. This was something that I was certain about.
I wrote a long list of the attributes that I wanted in my partner. I’m not talking about superficial aspects, like looks or his financial status, but more specifically, the values and beliefs he upholds. My list had approximately 20 - 30 items on there, most of them were non-negotiables, such as being a family man, prioritising health and wellness, priorisiting our relationship etc. I also remained open and flexible, understanding that we are all different.
Time to set up the profile!
So let’s get to the good part. I initially created a profile on bumble.
The first guy I chatted to appeared to be really genuine and nice. He worked in the same industry (IT nerd) and was guiding me on the intricacies of internet dating and what to look out for. Ironically, he threw a spanner in the works when he asked for a nude shot of me, which totally threw me. I was enraged that these people still existed but it was a good lesson. I know my old people pleasing self would have probably been pleasant about the whole thing, even responding back to him and telling him that he was out of line.
My new self promptly blocked him, suffice to say, we never spoke again but I realised, this was a test from the universe about boundaries and not accepting that type of behaviour… ever.
Let me insert something pressing here and that is that the universe will test you throughout the whole entire journey to see if you will default to existing behaviors… or if you will stand up for yourself and mandate nothing but the very best or accept anything less than what you are entitled to. This will come in many different forms... like someone asking for a nude photo.
The next couple of guys I chatted to were nice. I went on a couple of casual dates but there really wasn’t any chemistry. The old nice part of me felt terrible advising one that I just was not interested at all (when he was). At one point I asked my girlfriend, is that all that is available out there? Do I need to lower my standards and settle. She promptly advised me never to lower my standards. Thank goodness for girlfriends who also mandate the very best for you. Once i uplevelled my expectations of a relationship, I met a guy from the Gold Coast, a police officer who reminded me that beautiful, kind men do exist as I really was starting to doubt this. It was a crucial aspect in reminding me that amazing men exist in many different forms. I look at the men who went above and beyond to support me during my divorce and I look at the men in my family, who are such amazing role models. This was a crucial element in reminding me to not lower my expectations and to stand firm on the values that I want and desire in a partner. You see - another lesson learnt!
It was then I decided to jump off bumble for a little while. I eventually set up a profile on tinder (eeek) and the first person I connected with was my now forever partner. We had a coffee date in the bayside area of melbourne and we instantly connected. I knew a few weeks in he was my forever person. We threw all expectations and all rules out of the window and we navigated the relationship on our terms. In our first couple of meetings, I was extremely upfront about who I was as a single mum with two young kids. I also spoke about my priorities around health and wellness, my fibro journey and my priorities about life, especially with two young kids and my expectations of a partner (which is very different to that as a 20 or even 30 year old). Whilst this may all seem very upfront, it ensured that there was no confusion, after all, I also have two young dependents to consider. I was also very adamant about ensuring that he knew that I didn't need fixing, that I was most certainly not responsible for his happiness and that he needed to take responsibility for those aspects of his life, as did it.
This enabled us to set the scene, create strong boundaries around our relationship. We talked about this in depth for many many months. We shared our life experiences and trauma, but instead of trying to fix each other, we came together and simply upheld each other, something that we’re often not taught, especially if we have a tendency to default to co-dependent relationships. I’ve learnt relationships are a fine line between respecting each other, each other’s differences, each other’s decisions and choices but to ensure that we are aligned and keep our hearts open, especially during the times when we’re petrified of being hurt, rejected, criticised or have our hearts broken. In these circumstances it’s even more crucial to keep that heart open. It's been a rollercoaster and I must admit, dating at 40 and falling in love comes with a maturity that you just don't have at 20. You have so much wisdom within your body and if you can lead with all the values that you want to embody, as opposed to fear, you will surely have fun... whilst learning a number of different lessons on the way!
All we in, we have fun. We mandate fun, we mandate vibrancy, we check in, we communicate our needs and what we are struggling with, we laugh, we dance, we immerse our relationship with love and we support each other to the best of our ability.
Lessons:
Be intentional with the type of partner you want to call into your life.
Know your values for yourself, your life and your future relationship. Before you commit to everything, make sure that they align.
Be adamant about who you let into your energetic field. Everything has an energetic exchange and when you have sex, you are allowing someone into a very intimate part of you. A such, be concrete and be assertive with your boundaries.
Know your list of non negotiable. If you don’t know these, it’s very hard to attract a partner that will align and for you to be able to communicate these!
Understand that internet dating is a journey. It will test you, it will bring up vulnerabilities you didn’t think you had, it will cause you to self-reflect but if you allow it, it also provides growth and fun.
Do the work on you. Build strong foundations with yourself so you can form a place of empowerment as opposed to lacking.
Dont date because you feel you have something lacking in your life. Date because you want to meet someone who can contribute to a fulfilling life as well as contributing equally to a relationship.
Don’t project your insecurities onto your partner. I did this once and I saw him retreat very quickly. I had to backtrack very quickly and advise him that I was coming from a place of fear thinking he would judge me.
At the end of the day, only accept a person who will accept you in your entirety, who will allow you to be yourself, to be vulnerable, to be strong, to be powerful, who will be your biggest cheerleader, who will support you but will still be there to wipe your tears, laugh alongside you and hold your hand and….
Have fun!!
If you have any fun stories, please feel free to share them or list them here!
© Amie Rule ~ Inner Work Outer Living, 2022