Updated: Aug 14, 2021
All I’ve wanted to do over the past 1.5 weeks is stick my head in the sand! Yep, all I've wanted to do is totally disconnect with what is happening within our external world.
For me, this is a stark contrast to our last lockdown, which was the first lockdown that I felt had my shit together! With lockdown number #5, after a couple of days allowing the anger to emerge and a good few bellows of the word f@ck, I managed to shift into a relatively good routine. I felt that I had a sense of both control and flow over the current circumstances. After 4 lockdowns, I had finally learnt to somewhat master preserving my energetic field and really focusing on the things I could focus on with flow. The kids and I drew everyday, we did things that lifted our mood, we had more joy in our life, and we got through it relatively unscathed. I found that this really helped to shift my vibe. That’s not to say that there wasn’t disappointment. There was. It was another year of cancelled birthday plans, cancelled getaway and along with the disappointment came the tears but I and we all somehow managed to shift this pretty well.
In doing all the inner work (or love and support) over the past years, I’ve really been able to unpack and let go of my anger, resentment, disappointment to ensure that it doesn’t become stuck in my body. It’s been a lesson of seeing what works for me and what doesn’t, of understanding that this ebbs and flows and of really not tapping into the collective fear of the unknown, nor the fear surrounding my health
Important to note is that as someone who lives with my friend fibromyalgia, my body struggles immensely with lockdown. The stress and tension impacts my physical body. This shows up with neck pain, back pain, muscular tension and fatigue. This is caused by a combination of being a lot more active with the kids and trying to keep up them entertained. Whilst for most this is ok, for someone who is still trying to build up and support my energetic system and my nervous system, lockdown throws a lot of this out the window. Ensuring that I don’t default into fear mode is really key and takes a conscious effort of acknowledging the thoughts that arise, honouring them, not attaching to my past experiences and not trying to preempt every situation.
Coming out of each lockdown takes a gentleness for me to recalibrate and to slowly emerge back into society so to be thrown back into lockdown after such a rapid exposure back in the wild, threw me.
Lockdown #6 and everything, and I mean everything, yes everything, went out of the window. The marathon we had endured over the past 1.5 years became all too much and I hit a huge brick wall that some marathon runners do. I had nothing left to give.
No ability to scream f@ck, no tears, no anger, no disappointment. Nothing.
I felt empty and without emotion.
I just wanted to sleep, to put my head in the sand and for someone to wake me up when it was all over.
For me, the energy felt heavier this time around, especially knowing the number of calls to helplines, seeing first hand how much it is impacting kids, also knowing firsthand how much it is impacting the elderly and especially seeing how much polarisation it has and is causing to the entire world. It all just hit me and became too much.... and all I wanted was to stick my head in the sand.
But what we don’t realise is that sometimes sticking your head in the sand and ignoring the external chaos is all that we can do.
It’s about self preservation, and understanding that sometimes, we can only deal with what we can muster at this particular point. It’s about taking care of you and your family first and foremost. It’s about calling back all your energy and filling up your cup before you do can they same for others. It’s about learning to ask others to uphold you during these times. It’s about going inward, wrapping yourself in a cocoon, softening within it, nurturing yourself and allowing the natural process life cycle to take away the things that no longer serve. It’s about resilience and courage throughout adversity and recognising it. Unfortunately the spiritual notion can often tell us to discount these aspects which causes us to disassociate with ourselves even more.
Going through these shifts can be extremely hard, yet extremely profound. It’s also realising that this is part of the human experience. Society unfortunately has told us that when we experience these wobbly moments, we are weak or we have mental health issues. This narrative can causes us to default back to old conditioning where we tend to shame ourselves for thinking we are the lesser person, but we aren’t weak, nor do we have mental health issues. We are just experiencing life, we are feeling, we are living.
Sometimes sticking your head in the sand allows you to preserve yourself and ensure that you get the deep rest that you need. This isn’t weak. It is courageous to do and admit this.
So, how have I managed to slowly retrieve my head from the depths of the earth?
I called in my troops to support me, I called in my women’s tribe and I shared with them. I asked my partner to for support, I even shared with my children that I was struggling because they aren’t immune and shouldn’t be immune to knowing that we as adults experience hardships too. I slowed right down, to a snails pace. I did what I only needed to. I got my house in order. I ventured out in nature. I did a lot of breathing to help shift stagnant energy and had a lot of baths to soothe my body. I hugged my family a lot to keep up the physical touch and to build up the oxytocin. I did the things that were easy and made me feel good.
I leveraged particular practitioners to help support my physical body. I liaised with my coaches. I shared with my tribe. I didn't do it alone. I took back control in areas where I could. I implemented strong boundaries. As someone with fibromyalgia, after fighting my body for years, I know fighting doesn’t serve me. It depletes me immensely so instead of pushing and striving m against the resistance, i learn to surrender and be in flow. I shed the shame and all that didn't serve me. I didn't let the fear engulf me. I didn't attach, nor question the pain. I allowed it to all flow.
And despite all the disappointment, I found hope. I planned, I visualised, I day dreamed and now I look forward to all that life has to offer in its full spectrum. Each day, I find things that bring me joy, I laugh and smile and I create momentum and this reminds me that each and everyday is better than the last.
© Amie Rule ~ Inner Work Outer Living, 2021