Embracing the Imperfect Self: Navigating the Path to Self-acceptance and Self-love.

Living half of my life with chronic pain and chronic fatigue has meant that I have been in polarity and conflict with my body for a large majority of it, wishing for anything but the body that housed me. Wishing for a different existence but feeling let down by my own body. Whilst these frustrations and the associated emotions are so valid, it dawned on me, how do I expect my body to heal when I am at war with it and fighting against it? Because a body cannot heal when it is at war within itself? With so much of society projecting this narrative that in order to be accepted, we need to be 'perfect', how do I start to reverse this thought form and start to heal?

This blog post will explore how embracing our imperfections can enhance self-awareness, strengthen our connection with ourselves which leads to self acceptance which ultimately will lead to self love?

So how on earth does one venture down this self acceptance path, especially with a body that houses so much pain?

Prior to meeting my husband 5 years ago, I wrote a list of all the attributes I desired in a partner and lover. It was a list of what I called 30 non-negotiables including having strong values around family, doing the inner work, loving nature, prioritising health and family and so forth. 

I was raised in a generation where internet dating didn’t exist. There was a level of trust and courage I had to draw upon. But what was scary was this notion that this man would judge me at face value without even really getting to know me.

Dating at any age is scary. Dating at 39 years of age was extremely scary. It was the catalyst of me standing in front of a stranger, exposing all of my attributes but all of my flaws and asking him, to accept me and them as a whole package, yet it dawned on me, how rarely we do this for ourselves. 

Understanding Imperfection

Without a doubt, I am my biggest critic and it’s something I’ve struggled with. Underlying all of that is my fear of not being enough. For those of you who may not know, I have struggled immensely with body image issues from a very young age. Even at 5 years of age, I remember looking at myself in the mirror and being disgusted with what I saw, but also knowing deep within me that these weren't my words. How I look and who I am have been criticised immensely over the years and it's taken immense power to overcome the external judgement of others, which resulted in the internal judgement of myself.

As I prepared myself to meet Rhys, this self-judgement started to loom. I wondered to myself. Am I enough for him? Will he judge me for having kids, will he judge me based on my looks, will he criticise my health and the fact I experience fatigue and pain? Will he see beyond my exterior as a nearly 40 year old.

And something dawned on me. Here I was asking a stranger to accept me as I was, with all my flaws, with my imperfections, with non-judgement but I wasn’t doing the same for myself. So how could I ask a stranger to do that for me? And would I be willing to do the same? 

At this point, I realised, I had lived 39 years of my life in such a huge vortex of self -criticism of myself and my body. 

The Impact of Societal Standards

Life and society had taught me that my body was only worthy if it looked a certain way and performed a certain way. Stupidly, I’ve held myself to society’s standards thinking I wasn’t worthy enough with all my pain symptoms and fatigue. I wasn’t good enough to co-exist with all those out there who seemingly have their life in order and who aren’t struggling. Who are ‘whole’. More lies that society has injected into us. It has been exhausting trying to constantly meet these expectations.

Finding beauty in life's imperfection

YOU ARE WORTHY AS YOU ARE

From such a young age, we are told we are worthy when we are successful, and we are only successful if we follow society’s trajectory and path. If we deviate from this, if we break from the norm and create our own rules, we’re ‘rebels’. Yet we need to break these rules. It's these rules that are creating a stronghold over ourselves, our way of thinking and operating. 

In a world where we’re taught this toxic narrative from such a young age, where body image issues are so prolific, we’ve learned to be disconnected from ourselves and our bodies. This disconnection (amongst many other things) can lead to the onset of autoimmune conditions and chronic pain, where the immune system starts to attack itself. I often wonder if our body is so desperate to be seen and heard by ourselves that it is forced to attack itself.

Even with chronic pain, we continue to polarise ourselves against the rest of society, we polarise ourselves against the world. We continue to think we aren’t enough and in desperation, we seek those who can make us feel enough. Our body sits within that conflict and polarity.

Yet all our body wants is acceptance and love. To not be at war with ourselves. 

Amongst many other things, because at war causes a huge burden on our already dysregulated nervous system and disrupts the whole body in many ways. The emotional and mental load is enormous. Fighting isn’t what our body needs. It needs deep rest, it needs acceptance, it needs peace. 

The opposite of a fight is surrender. Surrender doesn’t mean you have lost, surrender doesn’t mean defeat. It means no longer resisting against yourself and your symptoms. There is great strength in this.

Because ultimately you can’t heal in a body you are at war with. 

SHIFTING THE NARRATIVE

Without a doubt, over the past 5 years, when I start to see self -judgement and self --criticism arise, I stop it and then reframe it. I now stand back and ask myself, how can I view myself the way that my husband does, with true unconditional love and regard, with non-judgement. What is it that the self-judgement is trying to show me? And then I remind myself that I love myself for who I am right now. 

Embracing imperfection is an on-going journey that requires self acceptance, understanding and self-love It invites us to see our unique beauty, even in moments of doubt. By challenging societal expectations, cultivating self-compassion, and sharing our truths with others, we honoir our genuine selves.

Ultimately, the route to self-acceptance lies in recognizing that our imperfections are integral to our identity. In accepting our unpolished selves, we find peace within and encourage those around us to join us on this path. It is not about striving for perfection but about learning to love ourselves, flaws and all.

Celebrating imperfections

Today, how can you start to love and accept yourself? 

My new book ‘Breaking the Rules of Pain’ will be released in early 2025 where I share my personal story of living with chronic pain and delve further into dismantling the rules of pain society has imposed on us. To read the intro and first chapter, head to amierule.com.au/breakingtherulesofpain.

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